i've heard it too many times to ignore it

I think I just climbed back up from falling off the face of the earth. That's what it feels like anyway. These last few weeks have been absolutely insane. Winter semester is always brutal but for some reason this year it was a lot worse. My brain may or may not have actually started melting and running out of my ears. I'm still trying to find all the pieces again but I'm optimistic. I mean, I've started to look into a Creative Writing MFA program so I suppose that means I'm recovering since I have been going into a coma anytime someone even mentioned grad school in passing in the last eight months.

Because I've been so crushed for time with all my projects and assignments I've been hard pressed to make much headway on my writing [though I have picked up cross-stitching... o.0] so I'm excited for the end of classes and finals so I can dedicate more time to it [writing I mean].

So much is changing, guys. I'm graduating in August, my husband just got a real life job that he [thankfully] loves, I'm contemplating grad school, even if only in the most timid sense. Adulthood kind of sneaks up on you doesn't it? You spend you're life playing in mud puddles and making up cool secret handshakes then suddenly you've got a job [or need a job], a car, a family, and you find yourself wondering who you are now and what does that mean? I have a friend who has struggled as long as I've known her with finding happiness in her life. Not that she has a bad life, she'll even tell you she has it really good but she just struggles with being aggressively negative all the time and my heart goes out to her. I know I can be a complain-a-saurus but it just blows me away how amazing life is and it's humbling to remember that when I'm having a bad day. It's so easy to get down on yourself [and others] for countless reasons, to believe that you or someone else isn't good enough. Guys. We are amazing. 

I've been questioning a lot about my talents, wishes, and abilities recently as some of my attitudes have begun shifting regarding the plans I thought I had for the future and I don't think it's ever going to stop being at least a little frightening but there's so much peace. A woman in my ward told me the other day that she applied to her graduate program despite anxieties and fears because she realized that she would definitely fail if she never even tried. I thought that was profound. I'm a little ship that likes to stay anchored in the harbor where things are familiar, even if that means I feel like I'm missing something. So, to quote William G.T. Shedd, "A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." So I'm realizing that I need to pull up my anchor and turn my little sails to the wind. This doesn't make me feel any more sure about the future and heaven knows storms are waiting out on the seas that will really test me and that's terrifying. But you know what brings the peace? Knowing that sailing the seas of life is what I am made for. It's what we're all made for. We are spectacular. My husband teases me sometimes for getting so caught up in the beauty I see in the world sometimes [let's just say it's a good thing he does most of the driving] but there is something more beautiful than the world we've been given to live in. Us. 

Maybe I'll never become a best-selling author [though I am still holding out for that dream :)]. Maybe I'll never be a world-renowned figure for anything, but why do I need to be? I have the power to make beauty where I am in so many ways and while the world might never know who I am, I do and that's more than I think some people can say. So there are a lot of questions I don't have answers to yet like, what's the main conflict in this freaking story? or, what is the next year going to look like for my family? But having all the answers now would make our memories boring so I brandish my imaginary sword and say "Come future, I've decided that we shall be friends." [and if that doesn't make sense to you I hope it at least made you laugh]

I didn't intend for this to become a pep-talk post but maybe someone needs it today, even if that one person turns out to have been me : P

On a side note, these two songs have been stuck in my head since I found them yesterday. I know the first looks like a weird mash-up but give it a chance, 2:20 gives me chills. And the second is officially my favorite version of Rainbow Connection and just makes me happy. The coolest part? She has free mp3 files that you can download on her website!