sunday thoughts

~~~I originally intended to post this yesterday, when the thought struck me 

to share some of what I've been mulling over lately, but our router was 

being weird, so here it is, a day late, but still a Sunday post in my mind. 

It's neither as comprehensive or as well-phrased as I might like, 

but trains of thought are elusive like that.~~~

Looking back, it seems like faith is something I've simply had in my life—a blessing I've been given to hold and share when I can. Not because it's never been challenged or tried, but because the challenges I've face have all served to bring the accompanying peace and quiet confident that I associate with my faith—that I know the Lord is conscious of me and my life, and He knows where I need to go and who I can become if I let Him lead me. This gift of faith has, and continues to sustain me through many ongoing trials where I cannot yet see my pathway clearly.

Tim has told me several times through the course of our marriage that he admires my ability to be calm in my faith and hope through hard things. I'm struggling to find that calm now. I'm beginning to realize how I have come to take this easy confidence for granted in myself, because impending parenthood is beginning to challenge it in a way entirely new to me.

I have been blessed with a blissfully easy pregnancy. At 34 weeks tomorrow, the list of "symptoms" I've experienced thus far isn't even long enough to be worthy of note. It's been so easy that I almost feel apologetic when I answer "feeling great!" to the proverbial "how are you doing?" It seems, though, that ever since hitting 32 weeks, my answer has been amended to "feeling great, aside from the growing general panic! ahahahhahahahaaaaa..."

Growing General Panic has become an official category in my mind where my anxieties and fears both stem from and are stored when I can wrangle them back down. Have I done enough to ensure her health as she develops in utero? Will I be able to handle labor? Will I feel that connection with her that all moms seem to fill with after birth? Am I doing enough to prepare for her now? Will I be able to identify and fill her needs—as an infant and beyond?

I wondered, initially, if these fears stemmed from "pregnancy brain" and all the hormonal changes that can make a pregnant woman feel like her mind belongs to someone else, but I've realized that it doesn't matter. If the periodically overwhelming panic stems from hormones, I can hope that it will ease some time after she's born, but it doesn't change that I'm feeling it now. It doesn't change that the fear of my own shortcomings and inadequacies threatens, more and more frequently, to eclipse my dependable faith and hope entirely.

Of course, I don't believe that I'm the only first-time mom to ever experience feelings of insecurity and anxiety, but there is the expectation that excitement is meant to build in equal measure, right?

I can hear my mother in my head now. "Everything is normal, and nothing is normal."

Growing General Panic comes with the territory of doing something new, especially something as big and entirely life-changing as raising a family, and it's a prime opportunity for Satan to sneak in and deepen normal worries into something crippling that leaves little room for faith. I'm finding that my faith isn't quite holdings its own ground the way I'm used to, and that adds to the fear—a cycle that makes me seriously wonder if postpartum depression might be a part of this experience for me. So I find myself clutching at those things I still know, that this cloud hasn't covered yet, to anchor myself against the panic that Satan will so willingly use to undermine me and my family.

• I know that this feisty little mango is meant to come to our family now—that she has been waiting to come.
• I know that I am, on my own, unequal to this new responsibility. But I also know that the Lord has made me equal to each challenge I've faced before, and He will do so again as long as I do my part. I also have a wonderful husband by my side.
• I know that, in providing the opportunity for this daughter to enter mortality, I am an active participant in forwarding the Plan of Salvation in a way that uniquely connects me [and all other mothers] to the Savior.
• I know that the Lord has a vested interest in seeing me succeed in this endeavor.
• And I know that Satan has a vested interest in seeing me fail.

Only so much confidence in life, especially parenting, can come from our own preparation [though preparation is very important]. I had a dream, before I was even pregnant, that I was in a hospital being handed a baby that I suddenly realized I had not prepared for in any way. When I woke, I could find humor in the lingering sense of panic because I was sure that, whenever I had my first child, I would prepare and surely be more confident upon their arrival. Well, we've been preparing. I've read books and articles, taken a class, and consulted with mothers who've walked this road before me. And a few nights ago I realized that the panic I felt in that dream months ago is still as strong now.

Tim, wonderfully perceptive man that he is, could tell something was up. In talking to him, I was reminded that I have a companion who can support and bring hope in turn when I'm struggling to supply it. He told me the same things I've told him dozens of times, and even though I recognized them, having someone else say them helps. The worries are still there, and I don't expect them to ever really go away, but the faith and confidence that are harder to find right now are bolstered by his confidence in me.

A young woman performed this song in our sacrament meeting yesterday, which proved to be perfect timing for me. It's obvious to say that the challenge of raising children qualifies as a test by which we learn and grow, but I think perhaps a bigger test, and one less visible, is that of faith generally. I'm going to be looking for ways back to the calm confidence I'm used to finding in myself, despite not knowing the way, but in the meantime, I'll take comfort in this reminder that being tested is what I'm here for, and I can succeed.

when you give your husband your camera...

We're finally catching a break from the cyclical-snow-storm that was January, and I'm loving the sunshine, even if it means putting up with worse inversion for a while. It's nice to remember that the sun is staying up longer these days, I just haven't been able to see it for the clouds in what feels like weeks.

A while ago, my mother, in good humor, asked me why Tim doesn't take any of my bump photos. The real reason, of course, is that I'm generally not out of pajamas until after he leaves for work. This came to mind again a week ago Sunday, when I was feeling rather happy with my outfit, so I asked Tim if he'd take a picture or two for me since we don't own a full-length mirror. Now I can tell my mother, in good humor, that I don't usually have Tim take pictures for me because this happens:

   

  

  

 

Is it just me, or do I look significantly shorter? I guess that happens when someone taller than you takes the picture, I'm just not used to it, haha. Honestly, I typically take my own pictures because I'm profoundly uncomfortable with being photographed by other people [there are parts of our teenage selves we never seem to quite outgrow]. Considering that, having Tim decide that he was in charge of a photo-shoot was actually really cute.

So much of this pregnancy has been stuff that only I can notice and track, so it's really fun for me to be getting to a point where he can be more immediately involved. Ex: he assembled a baby seat/swing a few weeks ago—his first official building task as a dad [and a picture I promised I wouldn't post online]. He has since also built a crib and is rather excited to procure a stroller so he can "play with it." Guys, he's going to be such a good dad.

Rolling along with the feel-good news [because I'm just straight-up avoiding most of the real-world news right now], I received verbal confirmation from our insurance company this morning that the hospital we originally intended to use is still covered as an in-network facility, contrary to what I was told a few weeks ago. This is such a massive relief, and I'll definitely be verifying with the hospital's billing department, but this totally made my day. Also, at my last doctor's appointment I was told that we'd be getting another ultrasound next time [not for any concerns]. I was only expecting to have our 11 and 20 week ultrasounds, so I'm super stoked to be able to see the Mango again before we officially meet her. She'll be 34 weeks for this one, so much bigger!

I know that I technically have most of March to get through before she's due, but I can already tell that February is going to be my "building panic" month. I'll be trying to wrap things up with work along with timing the planning and purchase of various items in anticipation of birth and the time following—as much as I enjoy planning and making lists, I'm not usually very efficient in my execution, so this will be fun.

Luckily, some of my potential stresses also offer silver-linings. During church this week, a Sumbeam [3-year-old] that I know of from taking roll but have never actually spoken to, crawled into my lap during the course of sharing time, happily chattering about a necklace or something. After a minute, she looked at me seriously, gently placed both hands on my stomach, and asked, "what's in here?" That just struck me as really funny. There's a baby in there, of course, but we don't know who, and we won't, not really, for a few more weeks, but probably years as we get to know her.

baaaack into the fray

It's another new year, you guys, and this is about how I feel at the moment. The last few weeks have been a really nice break from a lot of the madness, but everyone is clearly gearing up for another semester. With the Mango's arrival only 80 days from now [what? we hit 100 days on our anniversary last month, which I thought was kind of fun], I'm having a hard time getting myself excited for several of the projects I have ahead of me for the next few months. I suppose I must be nesting pretty hard because all I want to do is fix my house and obtain all the things! in preparation, but adulthood rarely lets you be so single-minded.

The first week back to work is always nuts, and today I think we finally put the worst of the mess behind us which is a great feeling. When it comes to my job I'm really a creature of habit, so the multiple wrenches and tangents that get thrown into my regular schedule at the start of a new semester tend to make me a bit grumpy, haha. The weather, of course, just made all of that more fun this week. We've had several snow storms in the last few days alone. It really feels like Mother Nature is making up for the relatively balmy winters we've had for the last two years. I'm sure the ski resorts and snow pack are loving it, and it is pretty, just a bit harrowing to travel in! Yesterday, when seeing Tim off to work, I saw one of our neighbors, a girl I believe to be in her late teens/early twenties, bolt out of her family's apartment in a flannel nightgown to run down to the edge of the sidewalk where she promptly crouched down and began playing with the fresh snow. Sometimes I have to remind myself to feel that kind of joy about winter again, but it's still there if I look.

My coworker who's also expecting will find out the gender of her baby next week, which is a really exciting thing about coming back to work. After a week or so off, it's funny to hear people remark on how big my bump is, although apparently it's still deemed too small by some. One of the office supervisors greeted me on Tuesday morning with a look of extreme concern and asked if "everything is okay" because I'm "still so tiny." I think if I'd been having a rougher pregnancy than I am, comments like that might bother me, but as it is I mostly find them amusing and endearing. I imagine it's easier to remember that a lot of what people choose to say to a pregnant lady comes from a place of caring when said pregnant lady doesn't feel like crap all the time.

6 months on the nose.

I've been able to identify Mango hiccups for the first time this week, and guys, in utero hiccups are hilarious. They also bring up my age-old question of what the crap even causes hiccups? She can't even breathe yet! It's a good thing that hiccups don't generally seem to bother infants, because it's going to be a while before I can teach her to hold her breath to get rid of them.

I had a dream, probably a month before I got pregnant, that I was in the hospital being handed a baby just after giving birth, and I had the sudden realization that I had no idea what to do. In the dream I was realizing for the first time that we had done nothing to prepare for a baby—we hadn't read any books/articles, prepped a nursery, gotten any supplies, anything. I can still remember the overwhelming feeling of panic and what am I supposed to do with this thing? that came with the dream, primarily because I still feel that way periodically now. I don't think any expectant mother gets through pregnancy without feeling some kind of anxiety/insecurity. Of all the things people purport to be a universal fact about pregnancy, I think this may be the only one that's true. No matter how much advice you read/receive and how much research you do, nothing can truly prepare you in advance for a completely new experience and pregnancy is definitely a new experience. Anxiety about the unknown drags me down at least a few times a week, so I've been working on little ways to cope with it. Thankfully, despite his own concerns, Tim has been amazing in all the little ways that help take the worst edge off of my stress, even as it spills into things non-pregnancy related. I am immeasurably grateful to have a husband who works so hard and tries to be attentive to my needs. Of the two of us, he's usually the easier one to read when something's freaking him out, so I know that learning my stress signals isn't easy for him, but he's hanging in there. And I'm finding that forcing myself to narrow my focus to the next few hours, the next few days, helps put everything back into a more manageable perspective when it feels like the future is too impossible. I imagine that's a strategy I'll probably want to hang onto once she's here too.