everything is normal and nothing is normal

This is my new motto, guys, courtesy of my very wise mother.

As I've mentioned to several people, I have had what must be the least uncomfortable first trimester in the history of the world. All of the things I'd always been worried about, okay, mostly morning sickness, turned out to not be a big part of the experience this time around, and I'm wildly grateful for that, but it's had some strange side-effects for me.

For one, I was so anxious about the potential for morning sickness that I was almost completely blind-sided by the mood swings. I don't think I'm alone when I say that I'd always expected those—the irrational and lingering anger at nothing, and the ever-close-to-the-surface tears (it doesn't help that I've always been an easy crier)—to come with the third trimester. I mean, the stereotype of the raving pregnant lady is always about eight or nine months along, right?

The second thing that caught me completely off-guard is what people are referring to when they say your hormones go crazy. That's such a vague statement, you know? So when I called my mother two weeks ago because I was freaking out because my brain was legit telling me—despite medical confirmation and the physical proof of an ultrasound magneted to the fridge—that I had made this entire thing up, there's nothing going on in there, it was like a revelation to hear her telling me that this is something hormones can do. What?

It's a really common thing to hear people say that the only thing you have control over is yourself, so it is super disorienting and terrifying to realize that sometimes you don't. I know that for those with various disabilities and mental disorders this isn't news. I mean, I majored in psychology, guys, I know that there are circumstances in which we cannot control the thoughts that come into our minds, or how reasonable they sound. Let me just say that knowing that and experiencing that are two wildly different things. I'm not trying to compare my small experience to those who are living with this sort of thing on a consistent and even debilitating basis, but it has definitely opened my eyes a little more to what it must be like to live that way. It is weird, and terrifying, and no one will really know what you're talking about unless they've experienced. Unfortunately, in our society, that contributes to the dismissive attitude so many take towards matters of mental health.

While my mom was talking me down from my irrational panic attack, she said "Emily, there is one thing to remember from here on out: everything is normal and nothing is normal." The hormones that mess with pregnant women's brains are doing an important job. The weirdness is just a side effect of their work. And it's a humbling experience to be reminded even further that the only thing I have control over is the choices I make, and that doesn't always include the things that come into my mind. It's hard to let go of control, of all kinds. But life is really a practice in learning how to do better at letting go of it, and I suspect that this is just a precursor to parenthood and everything else that's going to come into my life after this. So I'm going to keep chanting this new little mantra in the back of my mind, and pray that I have the grace to be patient with myself.

Bless all first children ever for surviving their poor parents, haha.

ny, school, and surprises

 Hello all! As promised, I have compiled, for your I'm-bored-out-of-my-mind-and-have-nothing-else-to-do viewing pleasure, a post about my recent trip home to NY, and various and sundry updates on my life. There are lots of pictures, even after trimming the number down, so feel free to just scroll if that's your preference.

My trip to NY actually began in July, when I was informed that my younger brother would be going home for a week before his fall semester classes started, which was convenient for him as he would be temporarily homeless within that time period anyway. My parents, being the absurdly generous people that they are, extended the offer to me, but they wouldn't be able to fly Tim out as well, and he wouldn't be able to go anyway because work. After a lot of debating and feeling-bad-for-abandoning-my-husband-for-a-week on my part [hey, it's the longest we've been apart in 4.5 years of marriage], I decided to go. Thus, my trip began in mid-August with a flight, as such cross-country trips generally do for me.

My brother and I scored emergency row seating, which was amazing.

 It was a pretty long day, and, including the 3 hour layover in Baltimore, we didn't get home until about 10:30 EST. We'd been on the road for almost 12 hours. Worth it. That being said, we didn't get much sleep before heading off for the city the next morning. [for those of you not from NY or the East Coast in general, yes, we refer to NYC as "the city," it's faster and everyone there knows what you mean] But who needs sleep when you have a two hour train ride ahead of you?

That's a joke. I don't sleep any better on trains than planes,
which is to say poorly, even without these two as distractions.

 The plan was to watch a NYC Football Club game at Yankee stadium, but first, food and some site-seeing. Because one can never see all of the city. It's just not possible.

Props to Emily R for the great restaurant recommendation. Authentic
ramen  is a very different experience from Top Ramen, but a pretty cool one.

 I'm usually a fan of the humidity in NY, if you can believe it, but that Saturday was ridonkulously hot and the intermittent showers really weren't very helpful, so I was absolutely delighted to discover that NYC has air conditioned subway cars. Realistically, these have probably existed for a while and I just haven't ever managed to catch one before. They are truly a blessing.

We had originally planned to include a stop at the Freedom Tower, but after lunch it was clear that we wouldn't have time. Happily we caught a glimpse of it from our next stop. The last time I was in the city, Tim and I visited the 9/11 memorial, but at the time the museum wasn't open and the tower was still pretty far from complete, so I was really glad we at least got to see it in the distance.

*waves*
also, how cool is that building on the left?

 Okay. So, while it's true that you can't ever have seen everything the city has to offer, it's kind of embarrassing for me that, having lived in NY for the first solid 18 years of my life, I somehow got to the age of 25 without setting foot on the Brooklyn Bridge. I mean, it's a bridge, but come on. It's the Brooklyn Bridge. Thankfully, Spencer and Carrigan didn't mind humoring me in tackling this item on my bucket list, despite the fact that it involved a lot more walking.

 You actually have to walk a good ways to get to this boardwalk portion, and the whole stretch leading to it is just as narrow, but with vendors taking up half of the width. They've got a good gig going, but it makes for some interesting maneuvering, especially when you throw in all the cyclists with major NYC attitude, haha.

My siblings are so photogenic, aren't they? Someone just edit me out of this.

One very long and very crowded subway ride later [we decided it turned out in our favor to be riding the line all the way from the bottom of Manhattan as the car was packed tighter than sardines before we were halfway up the island. turns out, everyone else was going to the game too] we arrived at Yankee stadium. This was only my second time watching professional soccer, and I was really excited. Also because our seats turned out to be shaded the entire time with a beautiful breeze.

I've never been to a professional baseball game, so I was kind of surprised by how small the field actually is. It definitely makes for great viewing, though. There was a whole huge group in red sitting on the top level just to the left of this next shot. It took us a while to figure out who they were, since the playing teams' colors were light blue and white. Turns out, they were Liverpool FC fans. I guess when you really love soccer you'll watch whatever teams you can!

 A cursory activity, when visiting home, is mini golf. I'm not entirely sure when this became a thing, though it may have something to do with the fact that I almost always picked mini golf as my birthday activity on the years I didn't have parties with friends. What can I say? The quirky nature of it appeals to me.

 This place was actually pretty cool. They had a really elaborate setup to lead you through the holes. And then the sun set and we discovered that it was really poorly lit, so we were basically putting in the dark...

The planning of everything for this trip revolved around one thing: a boat trip. My dad recently acquired a small sail boat [24ft] and was terribly excited to take my brother and I out for a trip. My mom doesn't do water so he doesn't have passengers very often.

The original plan was to make it a two-day, one night trip, though I only made it for one. The tricky thing about sailing is that it all depends on the weather, and in my experience the weather is rarely cooperative. Not going to lie, I was a little nervous about the whole endeavor. My dad's owned a Hobie Cat for years, so I've been out on the Hudson several times, and had already established that I prefer my water-faring craft to remain as level as possible. It seemed unlikely that this would be achievable on such a small boat.

You can't see it from here, but the boat's name is
The Little Prince.

While preparations were still underway at the docks, I found a small motorboat with this fabulous engine. Now I need to find out if the dragonfly was named for the brand or vise versa.

 The day of boating began with very little wind, but thankfully it picked up after lunch, which Spencer prepared in the galley by himself because it was about 50 degrees hotter in there than on deck. Eating lunch on a small boat while trying to keep the keel angled so the sails are giving you shade is quite the experience.

Once the wind picked up, we spent the rest of the day cutting back and forth across the river. We didn't really get anywhere, but I don't think any of us really minded, and there was minimal tilting of the water craft.

Plus the view was pretty good.

 Considering we spent about 7 hours on the water, I somehow miraculously escaped any serious sunburn, except for a small, bizarrely-shaped patch on the back of my left wrist which I'm assuming burned to spite me. I may not be completely in love with pastimes like this, but I am really glad that I get to share them with my dad.

I can only hope to be as active and passionate when I'm his age.

 If one is going to do NY in the summer properly, one must attend a county fair. It's really just not the full experience unless you do. As a family, we attended the Dutchess County Fair pretty frequently growing up. It's always been a crowded, hectic sort of event, and I found out on this trip that it's actually the most popular fair in the state. Which is pretty neat. The animals are always found at the entrance to the fair grounds, including the 4-H Club, which also sells the best chocolate shakes ever.

We saw these fabulous creatures upon first walking into the fair. A shaved poodle is one thing. A shaved alpaca? Entirely new levels of humor.

I think most of the animals had been judged by the evening we went, which gave us the pleasure of this amazing contrast:

GIANT GOOSE, itty-bitty duck.

 You could hear that goose from outside of the poultry building. I don't know what his problem was, but he was not being shy about it. I felt so bad for that duck, having to stay next to such a loud neighbor.

If you take a girl to a county fair, she'll want to ride the swings...

THE GROWN-UP SWINGS

Nerds, the lot of us.

 The swings and the ferris wheel are my rides of choice, whether it be at a county fair or Six Flags. I've never been a roller coaster person and the sensation of cruising through warm evening air over the heads of other fair-goers is an integral part of my childhood summer memories. I will be riding the swings until a physician specifically orders me not to, and even then I'll probably try.

 Tim was very jealous of our fair escapades and charged me with the task of eating something deep-fried on his behalf. I did indulge in fried Oreos for the first time [yum!], but the picture I sent him was of the fried pickles I bought. Tim really doesn't like pickles and was rather offended that I had chosen them to eat in his honor, haha.

But they're so deliciousssss

 We rounded off the evening with some fresh roasted peanuts for my mom, which came from these super rad cast-iron roasters:

 All in all, considering the down-side of not having Tim with me, this was a really great trip. Usually I feel so rushed when I go home, like I can't do all the things I want to. This time, though, sad as I always am to get back on the plane, I felt satisfied. I had done everything I could have wanted to, and I had the chance to see all the friends in town at the time.

 

A visit home is never long enough, but I know I'm blessed to go at all, let alone as often as I've been able to. So thanks, mom and dad, for making this possible, and for not making fun of your grown daughter who still gets homesick.

My best description of the vividity of NY is to say that it's like someone kicked the slider on the color saturation up to 100%. Pictures can never quite capture it, but just to give you an idea of what I mean:

The Buhler Barn.

In back, house on the left, acreage to the right. Yes, there are at least 3 gardens.

Continuing to the right, swinging around to the road on the other side of the fence.

I've been back in Utah for over two weeks, and I just now feel like I'm getting my feet back under me. Part of that was recovering from the trip, but the other part was the fact that I got dumped back into the middle of the start of a new fall semester at work. There's always stuff to catch up on after being gone for a week, but the first few weeks of a semester are extra crazy. Despite being on the lookout, yet again, for a new morning shift coworker, things are starting to calm down now, which is good, because my activity with the student journals is about to really take off. I've got a submission deadline on Friday, then a reading night on Monday which will get us underway for Intersections. In the meantime, I've been attending a small weekly class for the Journal of Student Leadership, and we're currently gearing up for a kick-off event that'll go off the night of the 22nd. Thankfully, the JSL won't be publishing its first issue until next spring, so the work load for these two shouldn't be crippling, but I'm definitely going to have to keep myself more organized.

Of course, everything that's happened in the last month and a half has been compounded by one thing.

I bought this card for Tim, because I figured it was an appropriate way to tell him. So I'm using it again to tell all of you. I'm pregnant! *awkward jazz-hands* Baby Loveless will be joining us on [or around, because let's be honest, babies aren't exactly punctual] March 28th.

we will return to your regularly scheduled programming shortly

I'm so sorry for the long absence, you guys! The last month or so has just been crazier than I'd anticipated and things started piling up quick with my trip to NY, the start of a new school year, and other things. I'm planning to make next week a big catch-up post, complete with pictures from my travels and various updates on life. So hang in there with me and tune in again next week!